Bleed-through: Collection from Tumblr

I want to eat your words and

swallow them so

maybe I can internalize some

elemental you that

evades me as we speak

♥♠♣

It is here that hesitancy

is worse than fears I

cannot name but see

crowded together in rooms

off the corner of a ledge

laughing, laughing, always laughing

♥♠♣

I stumble where I want to explain

here, take me and see what

you can make of ruins

water with words that

soothe something superficial so

I can carry on

Birthday Ramblings (a Month Late)

I turned 20 a month and three days ago. Finally out of my teens but no closer to figuring out my life. My dad gave me a birthday card with the quote "Dwell in possibility." I do love that my life, that life in general, is so full of possibilities but sometimes I would rather that my options were limited. I do not want to "dwell" in all the possibilities, I just want to be able to pick my direction and stick to it!
This quarter has been an incredible growing experience for me. I've been taking creative writing classes that have both inspired and challenged me to think bigger, write better, and to pursue publishing some of my work. I haven't gotten around to that yet, but one day I think I might. I have so much room to grow, and I am so appreciative of the opportunities and advice my teachers are providing me. My nonfiction class has been the one that has inspired me the most, no surprise since at this age I'm still very self-absorbed and eager to write about myself, but why not! If I am to write, and I can write well about my life and its themes, then no one should critique that! Maybe I'm not meant to create characters and plot-lines. Maybe I can write about my experience and do it in such a way that I inspire/motivate/help others.
Or maybe I'm delusional.
Never ask me to praise myself or give you a self-assessment. I've learned all the lingo, can say all the right things, but the truth is that I am self-deprecating at heart. Maybe I suffer from that "impostor syndrome" that so many people talk about. But it's weird. I can't stand to label myself with some kind of inferiority complex. It discredits me, makes me think that it's okay to be feeling this way. Worse, when I say this, say "I suffer from impostor syndrome," it becomes an excuse for my actions. I don't know why, but I am a firm believer in taking credit for my actions, both the good and the bad. I am master of my own actions. I am master of my emotions. I can control how I react to a situation, it is not impossible, I am not doomed to respond in a certain way. But as an "impostor," that free will is snatched from me. Maybe some people need to be labeled in order to justify their emotions and experiences. For me, it just becomes a crutch that restricts me from changing. Maybe it is because I consider myself a realist. I am aware of my success and I am aware of my failure, even if my failures may make me question my ability to succeed.
Either way, I'm a work in progress.
And why not! I'm young, according to most, and I have a bright future, if you ask the right people. I'm graduating early, was one of 16 people who got an English scholarship, am working towards applying for a Fulbright, and have interviewed for a job as a student ambassador for my school. The future is huge. I can get any job I set my mind to. My possibilities are endless.
So now I come back to my father's advice, Emily Dickinson's quote, "Dwell in possibility." Maybe it's okay to be scared of the future. Maybe it's okay to try new things, different things, discover that I do, I can, write pieces for publication if I really want to. Maybe I can be a writer. Maybe I can be an editor. Maybe I can be a teacher. Maybe all three. I can go back to school. I can pursue whatever career I wish, if I just set my mind and energy to it. I can. Dwell in possibility. Dream for yourself, it tells me. Dream and wish and plan and make decisions and live, live! Make of life what you will, because it is yours, no one else.
Then again maybe all this is the ramblings of someone who is either arrogantly aware of her charms or trying to pep talk herself into figuring out her life. You decide. I give up, it is late and I have class and work tomorrow and no time at all to dwell on the things I really want to do. Time is one commodity of which I run short very quickly.

Distorting the Truth

Never let it be said that I take the easy road. On top of working three morning shifts, one crazy afternoon shift, taking two heavy writing-intensive classes, volunteering for random events that come up, choosing to challenge myself by taking the Spanish class with yet another crazy intense teacher, taking a myth class with the honors professor who hates giving out A's on a whim, and working out not one, not two, not even three, but every single day of the week minus some weekends, I'm not sure I'm going to have the ability to function. Let's not forget the job applications, scholarships, and senior project that I have to be considering all at the same time.
Since I'm taking a nonfiction writing class, I will end up writing pieces that are about myself and my life so far. The teacher told us to begin searching through our own works as we continue writing and consider what main theme begins to emerge in our works. Well, I didn't have to go any farther than my first writing piece to find it. I am usually a poetry writer, my works are weird and a bit depressing and I doubt many people would reconcile some of my darker pieces with the person I present to the everyday world. My sadness become torment, my first kiss becomes a web of intrigue and emotional turmoil, and failures become cliffs from which I toss myself in despair. And as I wrote this piece that follows, I began to understand something about myself:
"I am sitting at the Thiessen's kitchen table, hoping against hope that the wooden salad prongs headed my way would just pass me by. I know the rule. Everything on your plate must be eaten. The tumble of salad hits my plate, the plunk of those dreaded toppings, green peppers, cherry tomatoes, those colorful devils, combine with the clinking of everyone's silverware. I can hear the water truck rumbling down the street even as I turn imploringly to my host. Even my sister, companion in misery, cannot help me. Mrs. Thiessen will not be swayed. As the crunch of the first pepper hits my taste-buds, I gag back the mouthful and try to swallow. I wouldn't put it past her to make me eat the masticated bits if I spit them out. Can't I just leave them on my plate? I miss my parents so."
Now, in real life this Mrs. Thiessen is far from the tyrant that I portray her to be. Quite the opposite, in fact. And yet, I'm sure the same would occur if I wrote about my mother. Her personality is not aggressive, not overly domineering, yet the minute I begin to think of how I would write her, these adjectives come to mind. Am I prone to exaggeration? Worse, I think. I think I'm a liar. I think that I like to be the victim in the situation. Do I? I can't tell. It gives me an out, it explains away the lack of self-confidence, it consoles me in the face of my failures, it soothes the ache of some loneliness that only grows and grows as I talk to the self-absorbed, as I see my friends mature and figure out their lives while I sit here, indecisive. I think I do. I like to think I'm the victim. And, in that case, how can I even trust myself to write the truth without tearing myself down to an impossible level of self-loathing?
How does one find confidence? When does one grow into themselves and become comfortable enough to face their life, both the successes and the mistakes? When, if ever, is it possible for me? I turn twenty next week, and that terrifies me. Too soon I will be twenty-one, twenty-three, twenty-five, and then what? Where will I be? Still living at home? Still living in denial of something I can't even put into words? What am I running from? What are you running from? What is our world running away from?

Questions of Religiosity and Doctrine

I don't think I've ever been challenged like this before.
Growing up in a specific church community, growing up in Mexico as a missionary kid under the guardianship of two parents who are more "relational" than "doctrinal" in their pursual of Christ, I've never had to clearly define for myself what salvation, baptism, discipleship, and all those big themes are. They just were. They were things I understood in concept and I could easily talk around them.
And then I went to college.
Before this I had never had somebody challenge me and ask me how I defined these things, if I considered myself "saved", if my "baptism" at six even counted, if there really was a difference between being a "follower" of Jesus and a "disciple" of Jesus and, if so, what were these differences? So when I was asked and was confronted by someone who thought my baptism didn't count, that maybe I hadn't had sufficient faith at that age to be able to make that decision, and that I couldn't be truly considered a disciple because my life was not reflecting the "fisher of men" part of the scriptures, I had no defense.
I still don't, to tell you the truth.
Thank God for my parents and their wisdom! My emotional turmoil about the state of my relationship with God has been calmed, but this experience has opened my eyes in other ways. I'm realizing that I haven't taken responsibility for my own spiritual education. I've been hoping that I could just get by on what I know and that eventually I would find someone who could mentor me and educate me further. Problem is, no one has come around and even those that had treat me like a newly saved Christian. I don't need that. I'm aware of the basics (or at least I thought). Now, I've decided that this cannot continue. I have to take on my own spiritual education. God is my teacher, the Bible my handbook, and all I have to do is devote myself to finding the answers that I was (am) struggling to find, define the themes that I thought I so understood.
It's time to take responsibility for myself and my spiritual growth.
So the next time I find myself in a group of Christians, no matter how good their intentions and how great of people they are, I am able to defend myself. Next time, I want to be able to biblically explain my baptism and why I don't feel the need to get re-baptized. Next time, I can explain how I see and define being a disciple of God, what that means and how that translates from the Bible and into my life. Next time, I won't feel so attacked by people I thought were for me. Next time, I will understand how much doctrine and denominational differences come into play.
Next time, I will be prepared.

New Year Reflections

Haven't written in a while...no surprise there. I never expected I would keep it up, but I did hope. Either way, I wanted to start this thing for the New Year where I wrote down one good thing or happy thing for each day of this year and stick these things in a jar to look back on at the end of the year. Sadly without a jar at the moment, but I intend to keep a start of that record here! So here goes:

January 1 - New year, new beginnings. Started it running down the street with some of my dear friends (silly I know) and I just...this year feels like my year. My year to grow, my year to learn, my year to meet the people who are going to be important for years to come or even to redefine relationships that I've had for a while. So, new year excitement!
January 2 - Got coffee with Grace and Ari and had a really deep heart to heart about the future, after graduation plans, the boyfriends (both old and new) in their lives, Christianity, and it was just a wonderful catching up time. I feel so lucky and blessed to have met these girls and that they're still so special and hold great importance in my life.

Anyways, I just...wanted to get some thoughts down while they're still fresh in my head.
You know, it's weird to be in that transitional phase. You feel grown up and too young all at the same time. You're observing others and their maturity levels and just realizing that there is so much more to life than there was two or three years ago. My life in high school was so focused on school and perfect grades and maybe getting a boyfriend and trying to grow in faith and I figured...once I go off to college I'll have it figured out. Things will start linking and lining up and everything will make sense. Well, to an extent, it did. I figured it out...or at least I figured out that I might never (or at least "never" in the next 2, 3, or even 5 years) have it all figured out. And that's okay! I have time!
I have time to do some traveling and find myself. I have some time to explore different career paths and (finally!) decide on what I want to do. I have PLENTY of time to enjoy myself and single-hood before I find "the one" and decide to settle down. I have time...
But at the same time I don't. I don't have any time. I have to be talking to professors and forming connections and volunteering my time and working at a minimum wage job to pay for my books and other necessities and all the homework on top of that and try to attend church and make friends and find a summer job and look into internships and look into companies or careers I want to pursue and and and and andandand.................................................................................suddenly you don't have any time at all.
Part of me is enjoying this time in my life, but most of me is already ready to be done. It feels like too much stress, too much work. How am I supposed to accomplish all of this? Me, who would rather be the wallflower and just noticed because she has that "special something." I think....the sad thing is....I don't want to make an effort. I'm lazy, down to my core, deep in my bones, lazy lazy lazy! I don't want to try! I just want it to happen "naturally."
But the truth is that that's a complete lie that life tells you (or it certainly feels like it!).
You don't get the job or the girl/guy or the promotion or the internship or that new friendship by sitting on the sidelines. You can't always present yourself how you "honestly" see yourself. It's all about framing. It's all about presentation.
PRESENTATION!
The fact that this blog post is disjointed and really a jumble of thoughts can (and will be) a turn off for people. Sure, I could present all this information in a more cohesive or understandable format...but that would take time and effort I'm not willing to put in.
And that's the clincher isn't it?
We all have to be willing to put time and effort into the things that matter; we have to take the advantages and privileges we are given. We have to buck up sometimes and be the one who introduces themselves first. We have to be the one that takes advantages of the contacts and links they have in the field to get the job they want instead of having this blind faith that your merits and accomplishments can speak for themselves. Maybe they can. Maybe they can't.
Either way, I guess this means my resolution is to work for what I want instead of hoping it will just fall into my lap. I have to pursue it somehow, otherwise it loses its value and importance.