Letters I'll Never Post

Dear Somebody-that-I-used-to-know,
Are we okay? Are you going to be weird about this? I hope you understand.
Why I had to stop.
You push my boundaries, both in a good way and a bad way. It would have gone father, I know myself. Shitty self-control. And I would have fallen again.
In love? ♪ What is love? Baby don't hurt me. ♪
That's my best reason. Without meaning to, you would have made me like you again. You think things are awkward now? Imagine if I was crushing on you again instead of just trying to get us back to normal!
I can't do that to myself. Not again.
It's pretty clear to me that I'm not your type. I don't have long, straight blonde hair. I don't play soccer, or any type of sport for that matter. I'm not Canadian, or Australian, or any of those more "exotic" types. I'm not crazy tiny and skinny like those girls. The only thing I check off on your list is that I'm Christian.
Big whoop that. And that's one of the other reasons I stopped.
So why did this happen? Why pursue it? Why pursue me? Was it because I posed some sort of challenge? I think if I understood your "why," then it would all make sense. I could leave you alone then, if that's what you want.
I hope you know I think of you as a friend. Above it all, I like you for who you are. You're weird and impulsive and funny and comfortable to be around. Our friendship is more important to me than whatever this "thing" was.
Of course, if you were interested I would want to pursue it again but that's another matter entirely.
Who you are, what you've gone through, it makes me think that God has a lot of great things in store for you! I just hope that I get to be around to see what that "thing" is. So dream big! Go on with confidence! And like the verses you have emblazoned on your chest and arm, be strong and courageous and know that you can do all things through Him who strengthens you!
Sincerely,
Somebody-that-you-used-to-know

Lazy Dreams and Fairy Tales

All I want is a flat stomach and smaller thighs, maybe even less broadness in my shoulders. Is that too hard to ask?
Two are manageable with hard work.
I hate hard work.
All I want is a guy who will finally take notice of me, for me, not for their own sense of self-worth. Is that too much to ask?
Nineteen years say yes, ten more will confirm it.
If my life was a fairy tale, my story would be different.
If my life was a fairy tale, my journey into this dubiously labeled "friends-with-benefits" would have yielded something more.
If my life was a fairy tale, the smooth-talking guy who went after all the other girls would have taken notice of me, and not just in a weird gesture of friendship.
If my life was a fairy tale, our kiss would have meant something more, a transition between flirtation without intent to this blossoming interest.
If my life was a fairy tale, the "college" me versus the "high school" me would have made some remarkable transformation in my self that he would stop and take notice.
If my life was a fairy tale, I wouldn't be so confused over what to do next.
My life will never be a fairy tale.
But maybe...
Just maybe...
I can make it what I want it to be.
I can work on myself and set goals and dream big.
I can do the hard work I've so long avoided.
I can change myself into the person I want to be.
Then maybe...
Just maybe...
Life will be a little bit brighter.
And it won't matter that it's no fairy tale
Because I will be proud of what I've made myself.

Bruises and Self-Reflections

"Anyone know how to get rid of bruises more quickly? I bruise so easily, it’s such a pain in the neck."

Bruises are a weird phenomena. I've always wondered about their usefulness, though I guess it's more biology than anything else. Blood vessels are broken, blood has to go somewhere, blood stays trapped, thus a bruise forms.
They're still a pain in the neck....

I've been thinking back to years ago when there was this Generation Unleashed conference where the theme that year was "Anthem." One of the speakers challenged us to press in and pray about it and try and figure out what God was calling you to. In other words, what was your anthem? I came away from that conference with the word "purity" as my anthem. At that point in my life I was positive that this would and could be something that was easily attainable. I had no boyfriend and no one seriously interested in me, and I was not expecting that to change anytime soon.
Well, as I learned, not all losses of purity have to do with people.
At the moment I was scornful of this anthem that I had been given. I didn't know how much purer I could get. But as I ponder my life today, I wonder if it was more of a warning and a call for my future years. I truly became addicted to love stories, and not always the clean ones. That has progress and continues to affect me now, especially now that there may be someone interested in me (no actual conformation, and I don't plan on letting it come to anything yet).
I wonder if my ideas of purity and how far and too much have been skewed. I have this fear that I will go to far one day. I've never been very good at self control. Nothing has happened or truly challenged anything major, thank God, but if it did, would I be able to walk away?
I don't know anymore. And that, my friends, scares me. 

The Chemistry of Romance or Lessons from Chemistry

In accordance with some law
Of chemistry and the
Natural balance of things
I’m afraid it’s quite clear
Though you are not the
Compounds of my change
You were, in fact
The catalyst

(What do I mean by things? Things of balance? Control? Of identity? Or beauty? Happiness? Friendship?)

Laws of chemistry dictate balance

Laws of chemistry require compounds

Laws of chemistry do not always need a catalyst

But a catalyst can speed the process up

This process of becoming something other

Two elements combining to form

Something entirely new

(What do I mean by process? Process of what? Elimination? Self-explanation? Transformation?)

Even considering this

Naming you my catalyst

I'm afraid I give you too much credit

Because I am still me

These compounds of change

Of beauty, happiness, or control

Were mine from the beginning

And you merely a reaction

With my natural state of being

Exceptions

You said once that you disliked being a girl's
                                           firsts...
What makes me the exception?
         It must be intention!
I have to believe that, or else...

Don't ask me what I expect from this
                                             from you
If I knew I would have been
         more decisive!
Stopped you before this began
                     or at least asked your intentions
Instead I'm in this ridiculous middle
            Not overwhelmingly either

You might have ruined this
                        our awkward-something-friendship
I hope I can act the same
           But if I do...
Will this happen again?
      Will you be hurt somehow?
            Will I?
Maybe I'm not as much in the middle
                                        as I thought...

Grown-up problems are not for teenagers (or pseudo-adults?)

♪ "I threw my hands in the air, said, 'Show me something,'
He said, 'If you dare come a little closer'...
Not really sure how to feel about it...
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving" ♪

The songs that you end up identifying with always seems to surprise me. Don't get me wrong, I identify with a lot of songs and even have a list of "theme songs" for my life from seventh grade all the way up to this year. But I may have to rethink the one I wanted to claim for this year.
Most of the songs I end up liking best are from my favorite Christian bands. But this song caught my ear and it has been sticking with me for a couple days now. I first identified it because of the bridge line which is used in some screencap or gifset of an OTP of mine. I liked how the song felt when I sang it. But now I almost want to identify with the singer.
Exaggeration, at best, but it's still true.
Why is communication such a difficult thing to humans? Are we really that afraid of getting hurt? I say yes, but I also think that it has to do with our insufferable pride. My current awkward/not-awkward/I-have-no-idea-what-this-is situation feels more like it's situated in pride rather than in any fears of getting hurt. 
Ignorance and avoidance will have to do for now. It's not going to hurt anyone (yet?).
I almost can't keep this to myself. I have to. I will. I know, at least I think I know, deep down, what it meant, what this means, and I am okay with it. I'm grateful in a weird way. I won't let it ruin anything.
Better not to make waves with it and use it for what it wasn't meant.
What does it mean to be grown up? I've been stewing over that phrase and the concept of maturity versus responsibility as my friends go through their own transitions and dramas unfold and refold and disappear (thank god!) and even their perceptions of themselves. 
I don't feel grown up. I don't want to grow up.
Responsibility definitely increases with age, but without living a bit of life first and experiencing things (I guess I mostly think of painful things) and perhaps even increasing in maturity THEN and only then, do I think someone is actually "grown up."
I'm rambling and speaking in subtext. God, I hate it when people do that. But in this case, it's necessary. I have stooped to that because I needed to write this out somewhere where people wouldn't know or comment or ask. 
It's simple. I'm confused. Life is confusing. I still have no idea where I'm going. God help me and strengthen me for whatever it is that is coming my way.
Yay for finally writing after it's been like three months!!! I should get into this habit again.
Oh, and by the way...
Day 1 starts now.