I turned 20 a month and three days ago. Finally out of my teens but no closer to figuring out my life. My dad gave me a birthday card with the quote "Dwell in possibility." I do love that my life, that life in general, is so full of possibilities but sometimes I would rather that my options were limited. I do not want to "dwell" in all the possibilities, I just want to be able to pick my direction and stick to it!
This quarter has been an incredible growing experience for me. I've been taking creative writing classes that have both inspired and challenged me to think bigger, write better, and to pursue publishing some of my work. I haven't gotten around to that yet, but one day I think I might. I have so much room to grow, and I am so appreciative of the opportunities and advice my teachers are providing me. My nonfiction class has been the one that has inspired me the most, no surprise since at this age I'm still very self-absorbed and eager to write about myself, but why not! If I am to write, and I can write well about my life and its themes, then no one should critique that! Maybe I'm not meant to create characters and plot-lines. Maybe I can write about my experience and do it in such a way that I inspire/motivate/help others.
Or maybe I'm delusional.
Never ask me to praise myself or give you a self-assessment. I've learned all the lingo, can say all the right things, but the truth is that I am self-deprecating at heart. Maybe I suffer from that "impostor syndrome" that so many people talk about. But it's weird. I can't stand to label myself with some kind of inferiority complex. It discredits me, makes me think that it's okay to be feeling this way. Worse, when I say this, say "I suffer from impostor syndrome," it becomes an excuse for my actions. I don't know why, but I am a firm believer in taking credit for my actions, both the good and the bad. I am master of my own actions. I am master of my emotions. I can control how I react to a situation, it is not impossible, I am not doomed to respond in a certain way. But as an "impostor," that free will is snatched from me. Maybe some people need to be labeled in order to justify their emotions and experiences. For me, it just becomes a crutch that restricts me from changing. Maybe it is because I consider myself a realist. I am aware of my success and I am aware of my failure, even if my failures may make me question my ability to succeed.
Either way, I'm a work in progress.
And why not! I'm young, according to most, and I have a bright future, if you ask the right people. I'm graduating early, was one of 16 people who got an English scholarship, am working towards applying for a Fulbright, and have interviewed for a job as a student ambassador for my school. The future is huge. I can get any job I set my mind to. My possibilities are endless.
So now I come back to my father's advice, Emily Dickinson's quote, "Dwell in possibility." Maybe it's okay to be scared of the future. Maybe it's okay to try new things, different things, discover that I do, I can, write pieces for publication if I really want to. Maybe I can be a writer. Maybe I can be an editor. Maybe I can be a teacher. Maybe all three. I can go back to school. I can pursue whatever career I wish, if I just set my mind and energy to it. I can. Dwell in possibility. Dream for yourself, it tells me. Dream and wish and plan and make decisions and live, live! Make of life what you will, because it is yours, no one else.
Then again maybe all this is the ramblings of someone who is either arrogantly aware of her charms or trying to pep talk herself into figuring out her life. You decide. I give up, it is late and I have class and work tomorrow and no time at all to dwell on the things I really want to do. Time is one commodity of which I run short very quickly.
